Monthly Archives: February 2020

Questions of the Week

  • Is it OK again to refer to Prince Andrew as “Randy Andy”?
  • If I mention Grenfell and Windrush in the same blog, tweet or rap, am I shamelessly virtue signalling?
  • How can the Chinese construct HS2 quicker & cheaper without resorting to slave labour?
  • If we can now self-identify with the gender of our choice, can we also self-identify as a younger person trapped in the older body that we were born into?
  • Is it racist not to like Stormzy?

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Taxi Noir: Brewing Up a Storm

(Article written for on-line magazine, B-C-ing-U), published today:

 

As I sit at my PC typing this, the wind is howling outside. We’re advised not to venture out unless our journeys are essential. The port of Dover is closed. Flights are cancelled and there’s a 50 miles per hour speed limit on the train network. Some trains aren’t running at all. Some areas are flooding. Power cuts are imminent. At home, the cat won’t go out into the garden, and the rabbit is grounded on safety grounds.

This country rarely experiences extreme weather, and we’re never fully-prepared for it. When the first snowflake drops, the roads and rails grind to a halt, and all the schools close; just in case they face legal action for forcing children out into the cold. The authorities don’t like us moving around as it causes accidents and incidents that they’ll have to deal with. Transport providers don’t like us clogging up the roads, trains and buses; or causing a jam at Sunglasses Hut at the airport.

As much as I like to pretend I’m driving my rig across Alaska like on TVs Ice Road Truckers, anything more than a dusting of the white stuff and I’m on my way home. Conversely, when the first rays of sun hit our shores, the great British public head to a pub garden to order a pint of lager with a wasp in it. Others strip off and lie around drunk in our parks. Or try to get into cabs in Soho. We need to be wary. Driving in hot weather is very debilitating, even in a cab with air-conditioning.

Normally I’d be working Sunday on the cab. I’m not scared to drive into London. I’m only at home because I’m booked in for a family meal in a Hertfordshire pub. I decided to have a rare Sunday off because of today’s Winter Run and the widespread road closures the event requires. To my surprise the Winter Run was called off on Friday, two days before the event. By then I’d committed to my family lunch and I was already in holiday mode. Storm Ciara they called it. As if giving it a name makes it more serious and official. The follow-up storm a week late was named Storm Dennis – not such a glamorous-sounding name. Who thinks up these names?  Well, my twelve-mile drive to Harpenden was essential, as is any visit to a pub. It passed off uneventfully, though people in many places did have serious problems.

So the Winter Run was cancelled because of a bit of wind? Surely scheduling a run in February comes with the risk of, er, winter-type weather. That’s why it’s called a Winter Run. A winter run could be expected to feature ice, snow or wind; and I’d have thought that a proper runner should be able to cope with those conditions. They’re not landing a passenger jet on an icy runway.

In some countries they drive on snow and ice. I guess they’re used to it. Everything shuts down here. Remember the “Beast from the East” two years ago? At the end of February and the beginning of March 2018, I lost four days’ work because of snow. Little over a month later we had three boiling hot days. April 19th was the hottest April day since 1949. Typical British inconsistency.  Of course, under Brexit we are now free to import more extreme weather from non-European Union countries, so maybe we need to get used to strange weather.

I had a friend at university, Finnish Erik. He thought this global warming thing was great and looked forward to seeing palm trees in Helsinki. That was over twenty years ago. Since then we’ve been made aware that the hottest places in the world will become inhabitable in the future, and that folk are starting to move from hot places to more temperate ones. I wonder if there are property investment opportunities in Greenland?

Anyway, I expect that when you come to read this all the extreme weather will be over and we’ll be looking forward to a bright warm spring…

 

 

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On Your Bike

(Original edit of article written for Taxi magazine – out this week):

 

Last summer there was an epidemic of people whizzing around London on motorised kids’ scooters. They were getting in everyone’s way and causing accidents. When it was pointed out that it was illegal to ride scooters on both public roads and pavements, the police went to work. It was widely reported that they’d stopped hundreds of people. A few were arrested, but most were let off with a lecture on the law. It appeared that time was up for these adults that had never grown up, but I hear that the powers that be are thinking of legalising scooters for road use.

This is the modern day response to illegal practices that the authorities can’t be bothered to stop. If a law is too much trouble to enforce, they just legalise it – especially if the mode of transport in question has two wheels. One of the first rules I would have learned on my Cycling Proficiency Test in 1971 would have been to never overtake on the inside. Doing so would have been considered near-suicidal. In fact, cycling in a big city would have been strictly for headcases. But here they come, zooming up the inside of cars, cabs and lorries all over London. Never mind if you’re indicating a left turn, they’ll carry straight on oblivious to the danger. They assume you’re going to look before you turn, and they assume you’ll let them undertake you. Usually, but not always, the cyclist gets lucky. Undertaking was officially sanctioned when they set up cycle lanes on the inside. Not all roads have this facility, but cyclists take it that they can undertake on all roads, whether marked out or not.

A couple of years ago we were warned that motorists were going to start getting fined for encroaching on the cyclists’ advance stop line. The advance stop line was soon accompanied by cyclists’ traffic lights that turned green before the main motorists’ light. This was another neat remedy for something that the authorities didn’t want to take responsibility for. Cyclists always accelerated through the lights before anyone else, and legalising it absolved everyone from stopping it. Anyway, the advanced stop area is now full of motorcycles. No-one appears to have been ticketed, so perhaps it’s only a matter of time before this practice is legalised. Motorcyclists also think they’re being clever by undertaking on the cyclists’ lane. I can’t imagine this being made legal, but I doubt anyone’s going to do anything about it anyway.

Nobody’s going to do anything about adults acting like kids, riding plastic scooters down Oxford Street. They can’t be bothered to keep unauthorised motor vehicles off that road; a road that is essentially a bus lane. I can see what they’re doing. TfL failed in their plan to close Oxford Street to motor vehicles entirely, so they’re just waiting for the situation gets worse before trying again. Inadequate signage gives the impression that nobody really cares. The lack of enforcement backs this up. The attitude is, if no-one cares and there are no sanctions, it’s pretty much legalised. Like cycling up the inside, or riding scooters, skateboards, and segways on the road. When congestion and pollution increases, and more accidents happen involving minicabs and vans, they’ll try again to push through a total vehicle ban. With half of Oxford Street westbound currently closed, we can see how the future might look like.

There is widespread apathy from those controlling the streets. They’ll close streets off in order to make the motorists’ life harder, but allow others to create hazards. As far as I remember, cycle rickshaws started appearing about thirty years ago. They were a nuisance back them, and they’re still here. Unlicensed and unstable, these carriages of carnage are being ridden by dubious characters charging those with more money than sense £40 for a ride along Oxford Street. Neither TfL, nor a succession of London Mayors have done anything about the menace. Could we say the same about Uber? That matter is in the balance. TfL have deemed them to be unfit to provide minicabs in London, but they are still operating.

Finally, are all these vans emblazoned with advertising authorised to drive around Buckingham Palace? I thought commercial vehicles were banned. It’s not as if there are no police officers around. No, if I was running London all those vans and rickshaws would be gone, and if I saw Prince Harry riding down The Mall on a skateboard I’d nick him too.

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